Still Got that Rock in Your Shoe?

Playing Above the Line means choosing positive attitudes and behaviors - and letting go of destructive ones. Young people sometimes respond to emotional pain by hanging on to resent-ment - blaming another person for their pain. They may resent one or both parents for a divorce or for moving them away from their old home. They might even blame a parent for dying and leaving them. But the tricky thing about resentment is that it hurts us even more than it hurts the person we resent.

One teen told us that she held a lot of resentment toward her father who wasn't around much after her parents divorced. Her new stepfather was involved in her life and came to all of her events but she kept him at arm's length for fear that if she got close to him he would abandon her too. She realized that by not allowing herself to get close to her step dad she was hurting herself, and missing out on the close relationship that was available.

When they're able to see it this way, they understand that resentment is a Below the Line choice. But it's not always easy for them to let go of resentment if they've been carrying it around a while.

"How many of you have ever been hiking and gotten a rock in your shoe?"

Most respond with a nod. Been there. Done that. Ow.

"Resentment is just like that rock. Rather than take your shoe off and remove the rock, you wiggle the stone around in your shoe until you find a place where it doesn't hurt as much. Then you leave it there. Instead of telling people about our feelings, we wriggle them off to the side, hoping they'll get better."

The campers are still nodding. Some are laughing. Most of them can see themselves in this story.

"... But pretty soon the yucky feeling slips back up just like the rock. Eventually, your foot goes numb. Once you're in a dull, numb state, resentment starts wearing a hole in your soul too."

All around the room, you can practically see light bulbs going on in their heads. They totally get it. They realize that just like they do with the rocks they keep in their shoes on a hike, they're putting that pain on themselves. Resentment is pain they volunteer for. They can make it stop any time they want!

We love moments like that. When you're as obsessed with teen success as we are, times like these make it all worthwhile.

There's another powerful process campers go through when they're exploring resentment. If you're willing, try this experiment with us.

"Okay, squeeze both your fists together," the facilitator says. "Squeeze hard. Really hard. Like you're gripping a rock."

All around the room we see clenched fists and scrunched faces. They're really squeezing.

While they keep squeezing, the facilitator says, "That squeezing sensation is like the resentment you're carrying. Now think about the person you resent. What if they never change?"

When we look around the room we see a lot of grimaces. By now the campers really want to stop squeezing their fists. But it's not time to let go yet.

"Look at your hands - what color are they?

"Red," they say through clenched teeth.

"And what color would you give the emotion of anger and hurt?

"Red!"

The tighter they squeeze the more pain they feel. By now most of the teens are really aware that they're doing this to themselves. Just as they're the ones making themselves feel bad when they hold on to resentment.

A few minutes later we ask them to look at their hands again - what color are they now?

"Purple," they grunt, "white."

"And why is that?"

"Because the blood has left my fists."

"And how does that feel?"

<"Numb."/p>

"Exactly. Numb. Dead. Just like our relationship with that person goes dead if we hang onto resentment long enough."

Finally we let them release their fists. What do they feel now?

"Relief!"

"Just like the relief we feel when we forgive someone."

Campers connect deeply with these resentment processes because they build on information they already have. Emotions are tricky for them to deal with because they're intangible - they're hard to measure and define. But they've all had rocks in their shoes. They all feel the pain of squeezing their fists. First they have the experience. Then they label it. By the time they find out what they're learning, they've already learned it. Pain is there until you release it. Resentment is there until you decide to let it go.

But where does resentment come from in the first place? When they explore this question, they realize that it comes from other people not meeting their expectations. Not doing what they think they should do. When we resent someone for not meeting our expectations, we call it "shoulding" on them.

Campers spend some time talking about the reasons people might not act the way they expect them to. Maybe they just don't know any better. Maybe their behavior makes sense to them.

They recognize the difference between letting go of shoulding and condoning bad behaviors. Obviously there are some behaviors that are definitely not okay. But letting go of resentment isn't about accepting behavior; it's about not accumulating bad feelings over what somebody else chooses to do.

Much of the content of this website is excerpted from the book The Seven Biggest Teen Problems And How To Turn Them Into Strengths - Copyright © 2006 by Bobbi DePorter. All rights reserved. No part of the content of the website may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. SuperCamp®, Quantum Learning® and Learning Forum® are registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark office.