Turning Fear of Disruptive Change into Accepting

"When Charlie's parents divorced, his mom, Regina, noticed that he had a tough time coping with his dad's absence. His father, Charles, tried to stay involved in Charlie's life but his military career often required him to ship out for duty to bases around the world, and he was gone for months at a time.

Then one afternoon three military men came to the door. Charlie's dad had been killed in a helicopter crash. It wasn't the crash that had killed Charles but the fire afterward. The story left haunting images in Charlie's mind.

With the loss of his dad, Charlie seemed to go into hibernation. Regina watched helplessly as he withdrew from his friends, gave up on schoolwork, and sank into a depression.

Regina spent a lot of time talking to Charlie to find out exactly what was going on inside him. She was surprised to find out that he resented his dad for dying. Charlie wished he could tell his dad, "You were hardly there for me when you were alive, and now you won't be there for me at all."

As if being a teenager isn't challenging enough! Sometimes teens find themselves facing massive changes. Divorces, serious illnesses, a death in the family, moving to a new home, and other traumatic events can rock an already rocky world.

To a young person the death of a family member can seem impossible to deal with - particularly since relationships between many teens and their families are already on shaky ground. When a parent dies they may feel that all the unresolved stuff between them is now going to haunt them forever. Deeper still, they may be frightened about who's going to take care of them and how they'll get the parenting they need: "Where will I turn when I need a dad?"

A divorce can leave young people feeling abandoned and resentful. They may blame themselves for their parents' split-up. They might have trouble adapting to two different homes with two different sets of rules and may not know what's expected of them. They might feel as though time they're spending with one parent means they're being disloyal to the other parent. Even the most peaceful divorce can bring on big changes in the environment they count on for safety and acceptance - at a time in their lives when they feel a great need for stability.

A serious illness or injury can upset their lives, too. A young person might resent the changes in her daily routine that the illness is forcing on her - and then feel guilty for her resentment. If the family member needs special care, she might have a tough time handling the burden. A lot of scary thoughts might be going through her mind: "What if Mom doesn't pull through?"

Even a move to a new home can throw them into an emotional tailspin. Since their world is so full of new challenges and insecurities, they depend on home to be their safety zone. They rely on the security and familiarity of home and established routines to balance out the storminess of life as a teenager. When everything at home is strange and new, they can end up feeling as though there's no retreat for them. And on the social scene, it's hard enough to feel confident even when they have a few friends to back them up. When they're the new kid, it's like taking the usual social awkwardness and cranking the volume all the way up.

In our programs, a lot of the process teens go through is inner work: They explore their feelings, identify their thoughts, tap into events that have affected them, and find out what's making them behave the way they do. The bulk of what comes up is day-to-day stuff: "My best friend told me off. My mom wouldn't let me get my learner's permit." But from time to time, it gets heavy: death, divorce, serious illnesses - the kinds of things that can turn an adult's world upside down.

We're very clear about the fact that we don't do therapy. None of the things we do with teens is meant to take the place of a therapist's care. But when kids bring up personal tragedies, radical changes, or other events that have affected them in a big way, we listen. What we've heard from many campers suggests that they can sometimes attach their identities to a traumatic event - or they think it may be their fault. They might blame a family member for what happened and then let their resentment poison the relationship. They may not know how to overcome the tidal wave of emotion the event has unleashed, and may not even recognize what emotions they're experiencing. They could be ashamed to admit some feelings - even to themselves. These are some of the reasons they often respond to radical change by withdrawing, acting out, or shutting down.

The self-determination that teens discover in various parts of our process can help them cope with traumatic change. Even though massive changes can temporarily derail their lives, they're able to get themselves back on track when they realize they have a lot of power to affect their own lives. They know that nobody can control everything that happens to them, but something inside them transforms when they realize that they can totally control how they think about what happens.

Much of the content of this website is excerpted from the book The Seven Biggest Teen Problems And How To Turn Them Into Strengths - Copyright © 2006 by Bobbi DePorter. All rights reserved. No part of the content of the website may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. SuperCamp®, Quantum Learning® and Learning Forum® are registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark office.